Truth: Phone sex just might be some of the most satisfying sex you ever have.
“You don’t have to be physically together in order to be romantically or sexually together. Phone sex unites couples in times when they’re apart,” says sex therapist Susan Block, PhD, of The Dr. Susan Block Institute for the Erotic Arts and Sciences.
More than that, you can explore different fantasies and desires that you might feel nervous about doing in person, Block says. You don’t have to worry about physically pleasing your partner, and many women also find it easier to orgasm through masturbation compared to partner sex, she adds. Meaning you’ll probably hang up very satisfied.
And, if you need another push to try out your phone sex voice, consider that you don’t even have to change your clothes. “Phone sex favors creativity, imagination, and intelligence over physical attributes—you don’t have to worry about what you look like,” Block says.
There’s no wrong way to have phone sex—but experts do have some tips to make sure the experience is one you’ll want to make a regular part of your sex life.
Ask the most important question
Start out by asking, “Where are you right now?” This gives you an idea of whether it’s a good time (they’re in bed) or not (they’re at a work event). “It’s not necessarily erotic, but it’s an open-ended way for you to find out if you should initiate—without saying anything about phone sex,” Block says.
Make plans later
If they say that they’re hanging with family at the moment, it’s obviously not the right time. But you don’t have to abandon phone sex. “Ask them to call you later when they’re alone,” Block says.
Or, go for a sext to let them know what they’re in for later. Phone sex is far safer in that there’s no record of it. But, if you’re in a trusting, committed relationship, San Francisco-based sex therapist Diana Urman, PhD, recommends having phone sex via sexting. “Switch to a new app on your phone so it feels like you’re switching gears, which will help get you into the headspace to explore flirty or erotic language,” she says. Send a message that titillates and turns you on, not what you think they want to hear, Urman recommends.
Lead them into it
Now, let’s assume it is a good time for phone sex—they’re alone or they’re in bed—the next question you can ask is more leading: “What are you wearing?”
Enter into your sexy voice
Drop the level of your voice a bit. “Get into that slower, softer way of talking,” Block says. Focus on breathing, too. “That might not be heavy breathing, but we often hold our breath when we talk. Phone sex is not about delivering a lot of information. It’s about being and feeling. You can concentrate all of your sexiness into your voice,” she says.
Listen and respond
“Listening is almost as important as what you’re saying,” Block says. Next, respond and take the temperature of the conversation up a notch. Such as: “Oh, you’re in bed? I wish I was there with you…” Or, “You’re doing nothing? Oh, I think I can keep you busy…” “You’re naked? Maybe I should get naked too, but, you know, I’m wearing that lingerie you like so much…”
Stick to your style
You don’t have to adopt an alternate phone sex personality—you certainly can, but it’s not necessary. “How you speak to your partner can go with whatever type of sex you’ve had together,” Block says. For instance, if you usually take on a more dominant role, you can tell them to take off their pants. If you like more romance, you can steer the conversation toward more caressing language. And if you talk dirty, do it—but you don’t have to drop a ton of expletives if that’s not your thing.
Start touching yourself
When you know that things are moving forward—phone sex is happening—Block recommends touching yourself. “It doesn’t have to be your genitals. You can stroke your arms, gradually move toward your torso and breasts, then across your stomach, and then to your genitals,” she says. You can think about this as masturbation or imagine that these are your lover’s hands moving over your skin.
Take it up a notch
Phone sex can be all about reality: “I’m getting undressed…what are you doing?” But it can also be about fantasy. “If you’ve never shared a fantasy, start by sharing a memory of something you did do together that was really sexy,” Block says. For instance, you had sex in the backyard last summer. Now, you might ask your partner what they’d think if someone had been watching. Or, ask what they want to happen next time. “There are lots of ways you can take a real memory and weave it into a fantasy,” Block says.
Or, stay mum about it
Maybe you have a fantasy but you’re not ready to share it with your partner. Phone sex can be a dress rehearsal because they don’t need to know. “Let’s say you’re thinking about anal sex but you’re not sure if you actually want to do it. You can explore that area while on the phone with your lover,” Block says. Later, you can choose to tell them if you want, and it can be a way of introducing new things (or sex toys) into the bedroom.
Now, isn’t there a call you need to make?
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